I am often told by cagers how dangerous it is to be on two wheels on an Indian highway. To be honest, I am of the opinion that people who say it's safer to be in a car are the people who are making things dangerous for the bikers. Given a clone of some of those people, one driving a car and the other riding a bike. The car clone will definitely run over the bike clone more often than not. Here are some of the behavioral traits I have observed, obviously it is very difficult to categorize people into exactly one behavioral trait.
The Sneak Attacker: Will creep up from behind and quietly pass you, often catching you by surprise. You will not be aware of his presence on the road, neither will he make any attempts to let you know that he is there and he wants to overtake you. No flashing lights, no indicators, no horn. He is silently acquiring more road real estate by filling any available gap between other vehicles. He is like the wind, there one minute, gone the next.
The Ass Kisser: Very much like the sneak attacker but he will let you know of his presence. In fact, you will be scared to bits that he is present. Within one and a half feet from your arse. The ass kisser will flash headlights, honk and do everything to get you to move out of his lane and the minute you take reactive measures and switch lanes, he does so too. The ass kisser will chase you across lanes and hound you for kilometers.
The Heisenberg: Nobody can certainly tell what lane the Heisenberg is on at any given point in time. He is either switching lanes too fast or straddled across lanes.
The Dick Dastardly: Is usually ahead of you. Treats the road like his trash can and ash tray all rolled into one. Will throw polythene bags, orange peels, cola bottles, beer bottles, half filled beer bottles (such that it sprays a copious amounts of Kingfisher Blue on those who are behind him), cigarette butts, pretty much anything he decides to discard. At the very least, he will turn on his wind shield cleaner water spray.
The Astrologer: Lines himself up in the fast lane to overtake a slow "Yellow Board" (see description below) but waits for an eternity for the stars to align properly so that he can start and complete his passing manoeuvre, keeping hundreds of other road users blocked behind him and the slow Yellow Board.
The Mother Trucker: By far the most difficult to describe. Mother truckers usually sit on the fast lane at 40kmph. Among other things, they are known to believe that learning to use the headlights is enough to drive on highways. The Mother Trucker will flash his lights while coming in the opposite direction and turn into your lane. He flashed his lights FFS! Now it's your job to take care of the rest. Mother truckers, from time to time, appear on the fast lane in wrong direction with their, you guessed it right, headlights on, it's now your job to sort things. They don't pay heed to your head lamp flashes or honking. Contrary to popular belief, Mother Truckers don't usually drive trucks.
The Flaccid: The Flaccid is very optimistic and strongly believes that four wheels are always faster than two wheels. He will become visibly upset when you pass him on your motorbike. He will take that as a challenge and politely request you to allow him to pass you by flashing the headlights of his overloaded Nano or Maruti 800 from ten years ago. If you allow him to overtake without slowing down, he will try with all his might, but can only match your speed at best before going flaccid. If you encounter other traffic in this long drawn process, you are forced to cut his attempt short and pass the slower traffic first. After which, the Flaccid will signal his request and start the routine all over again.
The Fiesta: The Fiesta is exactly like Flaccid, but the only difference is he will successfully manage to overtake you. Once the overtaking is done, he will drop his speed to alarming levels there by forcing you to overtake him again. The process continues in an infinite loop until one of you get bored or stop to take a leak.
The Regret King: The Regret King is often seen reversing in the fast lane on a National Highway to take the U-turn or the right turn he missed. He doesn't mind reversing 500 meters to take the service road that looks empty (or beats the traffic signal and jam ahead). Always regrets and doesn't mind coming back in reverse gear.
The Escort: Unlike the other behavioral characteristics, this one applies to our two wheeled brethren (by and large). The Escort will make any and every attempt to well... escort you to the end of his town, often dropping his current errands and making huge detours to his route. He will happily rev the tits off his 100cc commuter bike's engine to keep up with you. Usually seen seated in the customary one butt cheek hanging off the seat position.
The Yellow Board: Species clad in white (or some shade of it) driving "for hire" vehicles. Doesn't belong to Earth.
PS: Not all cagers are hopeless, obviously :)
The Sneak Attacker: Will creep up from behind and quietly pass you, often catching you by surprise. You will not be aware of his presence on the road, neither will he make any attempts to let you know that he is there and he wants to overtake you. No flashing lights, no indicators, no horn. He is silently acquiring more road real estate by filling any available gap between other vehicles. He is like the wind, there one minute, gone the next.
The Ass Kisser: Very much like the sneak attacker but he will let you know of his presence. In fact, you will be scared to bits that he is present. Within one and a half feet from your arse. The ass kisser will flash headlights, honk and do everything to get you to move out of his lane and the minute you take reactive measures and switch lanes, he does so too. The ass kisser will chase you across lanes and hound you for kilometers.
The Heisenberg: Nobody can certainly tell what lane the Heisenberg is on at any given point in time. He is either switching lanes too fast or straddled across lanes.
The Dick Dastardly: Is usually ahead of you. Treats the road like his trash can and ash tray all rolled into one. Will throw polythene bags, orange peels, cola bottles, beer bottles, half filled beer bottles (such that it sprays a copious amounts of Kingfisher Blue on those who are behind him), cigarette butts, pretty much anything he decides to discard. At the very least, he will turn on his wind shield cleaner water spray.
The Astrologer: Lines himself up in the fast lane to overtake a slow "Yellow Board" (see description below) but waits for an eternity for the stars to align properly so that he can start and complete his passing manoeuvre, keeping hundreds of other road users blocked behind him and the slow Yellow Board.
The Mother Trucker: By far the most difficult to describe. Mother truckers usually sit on the fast lane at 40kmph. Among other things, they are known to believe that learning to use the headlights is enough to drive on highways. The Mother Trucker will flash his lights while coming in the opposite direction and turn into your lane. He flashed his lights FFS! Now it's your job to take care of the rest. Mother truckers, from time to time, appear on the fast lane in wrong direction with their, you guessed it right, headlights on, it's now your job to sort things. They don't pay heed to your head lamp flashes or honking. Contrary to popular belief, Mother Truckers don't usually drive trucks.
The Flaccid: The Flaccid is very optimistic and strongly believes that four wheels are always faster than two wheels. He will become visibly upset when you pass him on your motorbike. He will take that as a challenge and politely request you to allow him to pass you by flashing the headlights of his overloaded Nano or Maruti 800 from ten years ago. If you allow him to overtake without slowing down, he will try with all his might, but can only match your speed at best before going flaccid. If you encounter other traffic in this long drawn process, you are forced to cut his attempt short and pass the slower traffic first. After which, the Flaccid will signal his request and start the routine all over again.
The Fiesta: The Fiesta is exactly like Flaccid, but the only difference is he will successfully manage to overtake you. Once the overtaking is done, he will drop his speed to alarming levels there by forcing you to overtake him again. The process continues in an infinite loop until one of you get bored or stop to take a leak.
The Regret King: The Regret King is often seen reversing in the fast lane on a National Highway to take the U-turn or the right turn he missed. He doesn't mind reversing 500 meters to take the service road that looks empty (or beats the traffic signal and jam ahead). Always regrets and doesn't mind coming back in reverse gear.
The Escort: Unlike the other behavioral characteristics, this one applies to our two wheeled brethren (by and large). The Escort will make any and every attempt to well... escort you to the end of his town, often dropping his current errands and making huge detours to his route. He will happily rev the tits off his 100cc commuter bike's engine to keep up with you. Usually seen seated in the customary one butt cheek hanging off the seat position.
The Yellow Board: Species clad in white (or some shade of it) driving "for hire" vehicles. Doesn't belong to Earth.
PS: Not all cagers are hopeless, obviously :)
2 comments:
To which one of des do u c ur self belonging?
When I get caged? I feel I will be in the category that's mentioned in Post Script :)
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